ADDaddy

Since the previous posting, this ADD family has decided to start it’s own business. This ADD spouse got laid off 2 weeks before Christmas, and the idea of working for someone else again was not very enticing. One thing this ADD husband/dad has taught me, is to not worry about stuff. Even stuff that should be worried about. Worrying is unproductive, but so is avoidance. Somehow, everything has always worked out in the end for us. Currently, we have no income, we borrowed money from a parent to start a business, and we’re waiting on a nice fat tax refund to support our family, and invest in the business. It seems an absolutely impossible situation, but this ADDer’s calm outlook, has enabled me to stay calm, and think clearly. Sometimes I have to bring the ADDer back down to earth - and it is never resented. I love how this ADDad is aware of his problems, and can acknowledge when he needs support or help - so long as the help is done in a loving, and non-condescending manner. Respect. It keeps any marriage healthy, but it is essential to a partnership involving ADD.

I think this ADDer spouse is gushing a little today. Love makes you do that.

You could say it’s been a good day today. All the laundry got done, even some folding. A writing project was worked on (today is the deadline). The ADDer is even at an ADD support group meeting right now. Quite a full day for someone that has a hard time getting stuck on distractions. I COULD say this was a good day.  Except, the one thing that needed to get done today - send out a resume - did not get done. Hence the laundry success.

This ADDer spouse knows it isn’t a lie when the ADDer says “I’ll do it today”. It’s not a conscious effort to NOT do the thing that was promised. But it’s still hard not to take it personally. It’s easy to get caught up in the day’s activities, and when that task crosses the mind fleetingly, it’s never at a convenient moment.

On a less-than-successful day, This ADDer spouse tends to self-blame. More could’ve been done to help. A hint, a post-it note, a friendly reminder? There has to be a magic key. Only thing is, the working key is probably a different one every time.

Well, this ADDer’s spouse was laid off 2 weeks before Christmas. It’s the kind of news that’ll either shut down the brain and cause endless hours of online chess; OR in this case, I’m proud to say, caused endless hours of job hunting. When the chips were really down, my ADDer came through. Now we just cross our fingers and hope that a job offer comes quickly.

Job hunting is hard enough for anyone - but for an ADDer who has been a stay home dad for nearly 3 years, I can only imagine the angst.  I know ADD can accompany low self esteem, and despite the high level of intelligence, the tendency to self deprecate is unavoidable. It is painful to witness, and the instinct to try and take over, or give advice is overwhelming. Letting this ADDer know that help or advice is available is about as much as can be done without offending or appearing overbearing. This ADDer has agreed not to be offended by post-it note reminders. If a downhill slide into distraction starting taking hold, I’m allowed to post a note stating what should be done - i.e., “send out your resume to Vanderbilt”, or “please set the table for dinner”. It avoids confronting the defensive feelings associated with being reminded that this ADDer can’t prioritize.

And so, I bite my tongue. I wonder if this is productive, or enabling.

There is a battle going on in this ADDer’s brain that shuts down when confronted with difficult situations, yet has a need for mental stimulation.  Changing diapers, making lunch, washing dishes is BORING, let’s face it. BUT, when called to the challenge of online chess, and other brain games, this ADDer is challenged every day to hit the OFF button, and go do those boring tasks that pile up daily.

What attracted me to my ADD husband was his intelligence and sense of humor. Today, I see his intelligence pull him away from the mundane, and his humor used to cope with his struggles. I’ve witnessed several occassions when humor was used as a shield against the threat of judgement or criticism - and it works. For myself, it keeps me grounded, and puts things in perspective. At times though, it can belittle a situation, giving the impression of complacency.  I wonder if humor is a common characteristic among ADDers. ?

True, my husband has ADD. But, who also suffers is whoever is disappointed, or confused, or hurt, or neglected, or frustrated. I am discovering why ADDaddy does or doesn’t do things. I don’t take it personally. I do get disappointed and frustrated, and it’s my obligation as ADDaddy’s partner, to use these feelings toward solutions and methods to shape our daily life into one that accommodates ADDaddy’s difficulties. I know ADDaddy cares deeply about his family. I knows he loves us, and I truly love him. My confidence in our relationship lets me put aside feelings that could otherwise interfere with the real issue of finding ways to turn “my family’s” ADD into a manageable condition.