ADDaddy

Since the previous posting, this ADD family has decided to start it’s own business. This ADD spouse got laid off 2 weeks before Christmas, and the idea of working for someone else again was not very enticing. One thing this ADD husband/dad has taught me, is to not worry about stuff. Even stuff that should be worried about. Worrying is unproductive, but so is avoidance. Somehow, everything has always worked out in the end for us. Currently, we have no income, we borrowed money from a parent to start a business, and we’re waiting on a nice fat tax refund to support our family, and invest in the business. It seems an absolutely impossible situation, but this ADDer’s calm outlook, has enabled me to stay calm, and think clearly. Sometimes I have to bring the ADDer back down to earth - and it is never resented. I love how this ADDad is aware of his problems, and can acknowledge when he needs support or help - so long as the help is done in a loving, and non-condescending manner. Respect. It keeps any marriage healthy, but it is essential to a partnership involving ADD.

I think this ADDer spouse is gushing a little today. Love makes you do that.

You could say it’s been a good day today. All the laundry got done, even some folding. A writing project was worked on (today is the deadline). The ADDer is even at an ADD support group meeting right now. Quite a full day for someone that has a hard time getting stuck on distractions. I COULD say this was a good day.  Except, the one thing that needed to get done today - send out a resume - did not get done. Hence the laundry success.

This ADDer spouse knows it isn’t a lie when the ADDer says “I’ll do it today”. It’s not a conscious effort to NOT do the thing that was promised. But it’s still hard not to take it personally. It’s easy to get caught up in the day’s activities, and when that task crosses the mind fleetingly, it’s never at a convenient moment.

On a less-than-successful day, This ADDer spouse tends to self-blame. More could’ve been done to help. A hint, a post-it note, a friendly reminder? There has to be a magic key. Only thing is, the working key is probably a different one every time.

Well, this ADDer’s spouse was laid off 2 weeks before Christmas. It’s the kind of news that’ll either shut down the brain and cause endless hours of online chess; OR in this case, I’m proud to say, caused endless hours of job hunting. When the chips were really down, my ADDer came through. Now we just cross our fingers and hope that a job offer comes quickly.

Job hunting is hard enough for anyone - but for an ADDer who has been a stay home dad for nearly 3 years, I can only imagine the angst.  I know ADD can accompany low self esteem, and despite the high level of intelligence, the tendency to self deprecate is unavoidable. It is painful to witness, and the instinct to try and take over, or give advice is overwhelming. Letting this ADDer know that help or advice is available is about as much as can be done without offending or appearing overbearing. This ADDer has agreed not to be offended by post-it note reminders. If a downhill slide into distraction starting taking hold, I’m allowed to post a note stating what should be done - i.e., “send out your resume to Vanderbilt”, or “please set the table for dinner”. It avoids confronting the defensive feelings associated with being reminded that this ADDer can’t prioritize.

And so, I bite my tongue. I wonder if this is productive, or enabling.

There is a battle going on in this ADDer’s brain that shuts down when confronted with difficult situations, yet has a need for mental stimulation.  Changing diapers, making lunch, washing dishes is BORING, let’s face it. BUT, when called to the challenge of online chess, and other brain games, this ADDer is challenged every day to hit the OFF button, and go do those boring tasks that pile up daily.

What attracted me to my ADD husband was his intelligence and sense of humor. Today, I see his intelligence pull him away from the mundane, and his humor used to cope with his struggles. I’ve witnessed several occassions when humor was used as a shield against the threat of judgement or criticism - and it works. For myself, it keeps me grounded, and puts things in perspective. At times though, it can belittle a situation, giving the impression of complacency.  I wonder if humor is a common characteristic among ADDers. ?

True, my husband has ADD. But, who also suffers is whoever is disappointed, or confused, or hurt, or neglected, or frustrated. I am discovering why ADDaddy does or doesn’t do things. I don’t take it personally. I do get disappointed and frustrated, and it’s my obligation as ADDaddy’s partner, to use these feelings toward solutions and methods to shape our daily life into one that accommodates ADDaddy’s difficulties. I know ADDaddy cares deeply about his family. I knows he loves us, and I truly love him. My confidence in our relationship lets me put aside feelings that could otherwise interfere with the real issue of finding ways to turn “my family’s” ADD into a manageable condition.

This ADDer (ADDaddy) is a stay-home Dad of a 2 1/2 yr old and a 10 month old. It is not an easy job for even the most organized person. Throw ADD into the picture, and you have challenges on top of hurdles on top of angst … and the list goes on.  I am the non-ADD wife. I work full-time. Day care was not an option for us, so this arrangement works well, and ADDaddy is an awesome father.

For the record, this blog is NOT meant to be an outlet for me, the spouse of an ADDer. It is intended to provide support, or enlightenment for others with similar ADD experiences.

PROCRASTINATION is not condusive to anything, let alone parenting. There are many levels of procrastination, and putting off doing the dishes until you have to wash a plate to eat dinner is a 3. While maybe not a 10, the following tale of procrastination is up there.

ADDaddy (not actually a Dad yet when this happened) had a beat up little car that you would have to pay someone to steal! Tags were about to expire - no hurry yet. Tags expired - ok, probably should renew tags pretty soon. Tags expired a month ago - really need to renew tags. Tags expired 2 months ago - no need to renew them really, I use the wife’s car now, save the money.  Tags really really expired - apartment complex threatens to tow cars with expired tags. Car’s GONE! Like I said, nobody would steal it, so we assume it’s been towed. So now, instead of putting off renewing tags, ADDaddy is putting off getting the car back and paying the fine. Trouble is, more procrastination = larger fine. 375 dollars later, the fine is split with a buddy who agrees to buy the car for the $187.50.  ADDaddy is left in the hole one car, and $187.50.

One thing common among ADDers, so I’ve learned from attending support groups with ADDaddy, is the inability to learn from these types of experiences. Everyone knows you mustn’t procrastinate, but only a worry wart like this non-ADDer could have foreseen an outcome like that. The ability to push a deadline to the point of absurdity is as frustrating to me as passing exits on the interstate when the gas gauge is below the “E”. It’s not that ADDaddy doesn’t  know something bad could happen as a result of avoidance and procrastination. Knowing bad things could happen, is what shuts down part of ADDaddy’s brain in order to avoid the anxiety caused by the procrastination.

Oh yes, remember I originally set up this blog for ADDaddy to post to every day? He’s been reading my posts. I’m curious to see how long it takes for his first post. I love you honey!

THIS is one of THE absolute and most painfully difficult aspects of my husband’s ADD. (Actually, it’s now named ADHD, but who cares!)

Getting started, whether on a menial task, a project with a deadline, or something with negative (or expensive) consequences, is a daily struggle with this ADDer. I have come to learn that it’s a common problem among those with ADD. I’ve witnessed behavior such as avoidance and procrastination. Sometimes, to avoid a task, another larger and more difficult task is taken on that most likely will not get finished.

I first noticed this behavior, when we starting living together, 7 years ago. Instead of taking clothes to the apartment laundry room, this ADDer decided to MAKE a laundry bag. I walked in the room to find him sewing one - by hand! It was then I realized, after announcing how impressed and grateful I was, that he was avoiding doing the laundry.

As a non-ADDer, I can relate by stating that when I have a task at work that I’m not sure how to begin, or I’m anxious about part of it, I find myself doing every little back-burner job on my plate, while all the time telling myself I’ll get to it just as soon as I have time.

Next time -  some incredible tales of procrastination!

This blog was intended to help my husband document, comment on, vent, and otherwise share the difficulties of being an adult with ADD. Specifically being a stay-home dad with ADD. To be fair, I did spring the idea upon him one day right before Thanksgiving. Since he aspires to be a writer, and enjoys it when he does it, I thought this was a no-brainer. BUT, the very reason for this blog, is also the very reason he hasn’t posted anything yet. It’s been about a week, and we got an email from the “boss”, stating they’d cancel the blog if we didn’t post something soon!

I think this blog will be a collaboration between the ADDer and the married-to-the-ADDer. I’m hoping by sharing not only what an ADDer goes through daily, but what an ADDer’s family goes through, will be beneficial to us, and readers in similar situations. SO, this blog’s life begins, the way my husband’s life continues. 

Tomorrow - about the ADD dad.